Half Midnight In The Arse-Crack Of Winter

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This animation is based on a fanfic/podfic of the same name. You can find the original text on Ao3.

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Written by faerymorstan; read and animated by irrationalpie.

Source code available on Github courtesy of irrationalpie, drawing heavily from this repository, courtesy of oakleaf.

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Half Midnight In The Arse-Crack Of Winter

Half Midnight In The Arse-Crack Of Winter
written by faerymorstan
read by irrationalpie
Relationship: Sherlock Holmes/Mary Morstan/John Watson
Part 6 of the Buiscuitverse series
Summary:
A brief interlude in a roller skating bar.
Yknow.
Like ya do.
Sherlock
Short Wife!
Sherlock
Have I mentioned lately that you are beautiful and lovely and
Sherlock
Hold on John is making me look at some sort of writer website on his mobile
Mary
Oh Lord.
Sherlock
... Radiant?
Sherlock
This website is rubbish. You aren't radiant at all.
Sherlock
In fact if you began to emit light I would conclude that those idiots at Baskerville had got hold of you.
Sherlock
Then I would have to kill them.
Sherlock
And then Mycroft would have to fill out all sorts of paperwork.
Sherlock
He *hates* paperwork.
Sherlock
Hmm.
Sherlock
Maybe I should kill people more often.
Mary
Nope, stop talking, you're done.
Mary
What d'you want?
Sherlock
Oh, nothing, nothing.
Sherlock
Just for you to swing by Vauxhall and convince quite a lot of drunk people on roller skates that I am in fact married to a woman.
Sherlock
Who is in fact carrying my child.
Sherlock
Who did in fact end up in said woman by the, um, usual method.
Mary
Wow.
Mary
What an appalling offer.
Sherlock
Did you do a John?
Sherlock
Surely you meant "appealing".
Mary
William Sherlock Scott Holmes
Sherlock
Shit.
Mary
It is half midnight.
Mary
In the arse-crack of winter.
Mary
I have only just managed to put down our thirteen-month-old son without his waking up and screaming for me.
Mary
I have been trying to put him down since eight.
Mary
I am thirty-four weeks pregnant with a stupidly tall baby because I just *had* to reproduce with her stupidly tall father.
Mary
Is that enough clay, or do you need more so you can make enough bricks for me to beat some sense into you?
Sherlock
No, no, thank you.
Sherlock
I'm feeling quite sensible.
Sherlock
And beaten.
Mary
Good.
Sherlock
Sorry.
Sherlock
They were laughing at me.
Mary
"They"? Who's "they"?
Sherlock
The drunk people on roller skates.
Sherlock
John and I are at this awful bar because one of our suspects is a bartender here and I wanted to observe him without being observed
Sherlock
so I was pretending to be drunk and was actually on roller skates and one of the drunk people said I looked like a spastic giraffe and in my head I was very clever and made a cutting remark about his hairline
Sherlock
but in my mouth I shouted a lot about how at least I had a fucking hot and very pregnant wife and then the drunk people laughed and I rolled into the bathroom and cried in a stall like a normal person.
Sherlock
John found me eventually and I asked if he would help me figure out how to tell you you were beautiful so he sat in the stall next to me and passed his phone under the wall with the writer website and I gave it back but he's still waiting for me.
Mary
Wait wait wait.
Mary
Does John know why you were crying?
Sherlock
No.
Sherlock
Can't tell him.
Mary
He doesn't know what that man said to you?
Sherlock
Nope.
Mary
Is it all right if I tell him?
Mary
Sherlock?
Sherlock
what if he leaves
Mary
What if who leaves?
Sherlock
john
Mary
What, the bathroom?
Mary
He'll wait for you somewhere else.
Mary
Promise.
Sherlock
no
Mary
?
Sherlock
what if he *leaves* leaves
Mary
Oh.
Mary
Sherlock.
Sherlock
you arent freaks
Sherlock
why do you stay with one
Mary
Shush. We're all freaks, and it's all fine.
Mary
Now tell John what made you cry.
Mary
Darling?
Mary
You still with me?
Sherlock
Wow.
Mary
Ah.
Mary
So you told him, yeah?
Sherlock
Mmm.
Mary
And he went back to the dance floor, and you followed him?
Sherlock
Yep.
Mary
And he chinned the guy?
Sherlock
Right in the chin.
Mary
Exeunt, pursued by a bouncer?
Sherlock
We skated on the pavement til we found a cab that would take us.
Sherlock
John held my hand.
Sherlock
Then he held my arse.
Sherlock
Then for reasons completely unrelated to the arse-holding I became Distracted and tripped on my skates and fell.
Sherlock
Then John tripped on me.
Sherlock
And fell.
Sherlock
We are on our way home and the cabbie is trying not to ask us about the roller skates.
Sherlock
Or the blood.
Mary
Oh Lord.
Mary
I'll get the Bactrim.
Sherlock
That's my girl.
Sherlock
See you soon.
Mary
:-*
Typing: Sherlock Mary
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